Merry Christmas Maggots,
Because I care about our family of Bronco Hammer readers, and because I want you to have the very best Christmas ever, I’ve take time from my busy schedule to read and review some of the serious debates appearing on social media regarding ‘Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?‘
Most of us, being true Americans, have only a few simple wishes for the holidays, and that is to bring us closer together with our loved ones and to appreciate the yuletide joy of the children, and grandchildren. It is traditionally a time that we reflect on the events of the past, share a meal, give gifts, and watch Die Hard.
Some deranged skeptics claim that Die Hard isn’t the true Christmas movie of all time. I have gathered all the information I could find on this important topic and turned it over the the crack scientific research team at the Bronco Hammer Refreshing Beverage Association page. I never heard back from them again, so I will go ahead and provide you with my scientific opinion, based on hours of watching Die Hard, and also based on me being totally unbiased and objective. Here are the facts, enumerated for your reading ease:
- Die Hard might be the definitive Christmas movie because they blow up far more stuff than the lesser so-called Christmas movies like sissy Miracle on 34th Street and that dumb, sappy, and sad It’s a Wonderful Life.
- In Die Hard 2 – Die Harder, John McClane stabs a terrorist in the eye with an icicle from the eave of a cute little church, perfectly set in a gentle winter snow. How charming is that? I say, it’s Christmas card level charming… and if you disagree, you are probably with the terrorists and hate Santa Clause…
- In Die Hard 1 and 2, John McClane is married to a very nice lady named Holly… Her name is Holly… Did you pay attention to what I just said? Her name is Holly. That is a total Christmas word right there. “Deck the Halls with something something Holly“ How many times have you sang that song? a bunch of times, I bet… Show some respect! (pro-tip: the other so-called Die Hard movies were not true Die Hard movies since she wasn’t in them, but you need to watch them anyway, except for the last one, it sucked.).
- NYPD,LAPD, CIA, Lieutenant, Detective, Officer John McClane often says ‘Merry Christmas, A-hole‘ throughout the films, reflecting the true spirit of Christmas. He also smirks when he says it, which makes it more meaningful and Christmas spiritlyness.
- Children get taken hostage, terrorized, and sometimes rescued… used as a metaphor for the naughty or nice list. This is horrible, but unfortunately necessary if you want to scare the hell out of the little rug rats so they finally behave, and really… who doesn’t want to scare these ungrateful pants-poopers. Especially after you spent two paychecks on gifts and they only play with the dumb boxes and wrapping. Those BB guns and pocket knives cost a lot of money. And the hand-grenade/complaint department gift was a classic. This is why nobody likes children… especially around Christmas.
- Hans Gruber is the grinch… he acts like the grinch, he looks like the grinch, he sounds like the grinch… he is the grinch… I can’t believe you didn’t see that one right away. Have a couple of drinks and then watch the movie again. You’ll know I’m right.
- Nakatomi Plaza, when translated from Japanese to English, means ‘Merry Christmas, A-holes‘ which stylishly continues with the theme of item 4.
- John McClane always gives the gift of lead… to the bad guys. He’s a giver… the true Spirit of Christmas on full display, unless you are some kind of communist or something.
- In Die Hard 2, lovingly wrapped Christmas gifts are frequently displayed. Although they are bombs disguised as gifts, it is the thought that really counts… another Spirit of Christmas demonstration for your doubters out there.
- In Die Hard 1 and 2, John McClane decks the halls with bodies of dead guys… sing it with me – falalalala… eat crap and die, you filthy animals... (if you don’t know the words, just hum along)
If you need more reasons, then I fear you cannot be persuaded by immutable science and facts, and you should be karate chopped in the groin area. Merry Christmas A-holes...
With love and affection for all of my readers ,
AKA – Mister Christmas